Somewhere along the way, you probably developed an idea of what your ideal “life trajectory” would be. It can look very different for each person; however, these life trajectories generally contain pretty specific goals of achievement a person wants to reach by a certain point or age. These life trajectories we create may be based on our own true goals and wishes for ourselves; however, they may also be based on societal standards, familial pressure, or comparison to others. An example is Ashley, a high school senior who grew up in a family of lawyers. She plans to go to Stanford to obtain her undergraduate degree in pre-law, attend Yale for law school, begin working at a top firm in NYC, be making over $350,000 by the time she turns 28, plans to be married by age 30, buy her first home by age 32, and start having kids by age 33.
It is not at all a bad thing to have goals, dreams, or a plan for yourself. However, problems can arise when you hold on so tightly to this strict life trajectory you created that you lose sight of if you are even truly happy and fulfilled along the way. The problem with these life trajectories is that once we form them, they can start to create unnecessary pressure and anxiety. This pressure and anxiety can then cause us to make decisions based on impulse and fear rather than thoughtful consideration of what is best for our own well-being. People often feel that they “failed” when they veer off or do not meet the expectations of their “life trajectory.” It is often hard for them to recognize that these plans they created for themselves were unrealistic or created based on the idea of how their life “should” look rather than based on what a true, purposeful life looks like for them.
Where does this pressure come from?
We start to form broad versions of these life trajectories very early in life, and family (especially parents) and society are typically significant influences. We often create these life trajectories as kids or teenagers, times in our lives when we really don’t fully understand how difficult it can be to be a fully functioning adult, especially in today’s world. The Life Happens study in 2024 surveyed 2000 people across three generations (Gen Z adults, Millennials, Gen Xers, and Baby Boomers) and found that, on average, people believe the age when you start to feel like an adult is age 27. While each person’s “life trajectory” will look very different, some common milestones tend to be fixated on more commonly.
- Career Path: Children begin getting asked what they want to be when they grow up as early as preschool and continue to be asked this question until they are nearly forced to decide it when applying for college. Kids may think they want to go down a specific career path at a young age, which the adults in their lives could then reinforce over time. On the other hand, some kids may come from families with high expectations and may even tell their children what career path they need to go down. Families with many family members working within one field may also pressure their children, for instance, families with lawyers, doctors, or families that own businesses. Then, at only 17 or 18 years old, when applying to college, kids are pressured to decide what path they want to go down when choosing a major. At this young age, kids may not have much knowledge about all of the different career paths available to them, and they may also be financially supported by their parents, resulting in their choices being heavily influenced by family, society, or other outside factors. Once in college, students start taking classes aligned with their chosen major. While they can switch their major, this can often be financially burdensome if additional courses need to be taken, potentially leading the student to feel stuck on one path.
- Money and Finances: We also tend to have expectations around money and finances. We may hope to be making a specific salary by a particular time of our life, we may hope to have a certain amount saved by a specific age, and we may have an idea of when we should be able to purchase a home or apartment. Parents frequently compare their experiences to those of today’s young adults but often fail to recognize just how much more expensive the cost of living is in today’s world. Rents, homes, and mortgage rates are much more expensive, making saving enough money to buy a house is much more challenging.
- Engagement and Marriage: Many have expectations about what age they should be married, which can put pressure on the relationship as a whole. Related to this, if a person is a certain age, they feel they need to be married; they also often have an expectation of how long they feel it is appropriate to be dating someone before getting engaged. Placing so much pressure on the need to “settle down” becomes a problem when you are more focused on getting married than you are on truly assessing if this person is a good fit for a long-lasting, healthy relationship. The pressure to get married is often influenced by fears of being alone, pressure from family, pressure from seeing friends or people of a similar age getting married on social media, and the pressure to start a family.
- Having Children: Society tells women that their “biological clock is ticking” as they get older and calls pregnancy over age 35 “geriatric,” parents often ask when they are getting grandkids, and past generations had children at a younger age than people are having children now. It can then put pressure on all the above milestones as people often feel they need to be secure in a job, financially secure, and married before having children. Despite there being significant medical advancements in helping people start families later in life, such as IVF, surrogacy, adoption, egg freezing, etc., the pressure often remains.
Creating your Life vs. Living your Parents or Society’s Expectations
It is important to recognize just how much outside sources may influence your future goals. It is normal to want to please your parents or make them proud of your life choices. It is also expected to absorb some of the messages from our society and compare yourself to others around your age at times. However, it is most important to remember that the only person who will be directly affected by your “life trajectory” is you. If you are not truly happy, it doesn’t matter what your family thinks, where others in your age range are, or what society says. What matters most is that you can one day look back on the way you lived and feel that you were happy and fulfilled. It is much easier said than done because, in the day-to-day, we are often not thinking this deeply about our choices. As discussed earlier, we usually set goals for ourselves at a young age and blindly continue down that path without stopping to think if this is still aligned with who we want to become.
In order to truly create your life rather than live according to others’ expectations, you need to first assess your “life trajectory” and how it came to be. Consider when you created this plan for yourself and what outside factors may have influenced it. Then, consider your true values and how they may have changed over time. Think about times in your life when you have felt the happiest as well as the most difficult times in your life and notice if there are any patterns. Consider how you are feeling currently in your life and what changes might need to be made in order to improve your situation. If you feel pressure around achieving certain milestones, consider what is causing that pressure, assess if deeper fears or beliefs are causing it, and work to challenge them. Consider the potential negative consequences of putting so much pressure on yourself or continuing down a path that may not be right for you. Using all of this information, consider if your “life trajectory” is still truly aligned with your own personal happiness, and if not, then consider how you might update or change this plan for yourself.
How to Manage Your Vision Board and What Happens When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned?
A fact that everyone should work to accept is that life does not always go as planned, and in fact, it very often doesn’t. An essential question to ask yourself is: how do you react when things are not going according to your life plan? Do you accept this and adjust accordingly, or do you panic and become hard on yourself? Many struggle when they feel they have gotten “off-track” and often feel as though they “failed” in some way, which impacts self-esteem and self-worth. However, it is important to recognize that these “life trajectories” or life milestone pressures are self-imposed and self-created and can be changed, updated, or thrown away at any time. Just because you set specific goals for yourself in the past does not mean you are required to hold yourself to those goals in the future.
Additionally, just because you set deadlines for achievements does not mean you will not achieve these things at a later date under better circumstances. Not everything is meant to work out as planned, and while this can be challenging, it often just means that either the timing is not right or that there is something better on the horizon. As we live more life, we gain more knowledge, wisdom, and information, and our “life plans” should continue to be updated accordingly. Having the skills of mindfulness and uncertainty tolerance are essential to this. So many of us are so focused on outcomes and achievements that we forget to recognize how we feel daily. If you can improve your ability to become mindful, it becomes easier to recognize when we might need to shift our goals or plans, when things are going well, and notice our small wins that build up over time. Additionally, accepting and navigating uncertain times without becoming overwhelmed by your emotions is key to growth and resilience. Try to remove unnecessary pressure, accept that you do not have all the answers, and recognize that making mistakes, changing your mind, or trying out a new path do not mean you failed in any way; they actually mean you are learning and growing over time.
References
Adulthood Across Generations, Life Happens, Sept. 2024
