Sharing the news about divorce will be one of the hardest days a parent and child will experience together, which makes the manner of navigating this conversation with care and sensitivity even more crucial. Parents don’t plan for divorce, so thinking about how to tell your kids you’re separating will come with heaviness and mixed feelings. Divorce is a change for everyone, and children will naturally be inquisitive about the change, what prompted it, thoughts about love, how long the change will last, where they will live, where they will go to school, what they tell their friends, and the list goes on. Being united and supportive with your ex-partner will help deliver a cohesive, agreed-upon response to your child as they seek clarity around your decision. You will notice your children’s emotional and mental stability fluctuate during this conversation, which is to be expected. Setting the intention to lead with love, consideration, and comfort will guide the conversation in a productive yet delicate way.
Let’s start with understanding the emotional impact of divorce on children. When we conceptualize divorce as grief, change, and transition, it allows us to process the end of a family structure that will exist differently moving forward. Children don’t always logically understand grief but will feel the feelings associated with loss. Expect your child to express sadness, tears, anger, and emotional distress in all its glory. You will see a different emotional reaction depending on their age and developmental stage. Younger children can have more volatile responses around change, while older children in their teens tend to be internal with their emotional processing. Your child may express a fear of abandonment from the divorce, which we can validate as they may feel like they’re losing a parent through this process. Fear of abandonment may activate a stronger attachment or even a withdrawal from one or both parents. We can reassure children that the relationship with each parent will be consistent. However, they exist differently. For example: “Dad wants to continue being active in your sporting events and will bring you to hockey practice every Wednesday and then take you for dinner for quality time before coming home for the evening.” Emphasizing how quality time will continue in new ways will increase security through the adjustment period. The feelings of guilt and self-blame are common as children, unfortunately, believe that they are at fault for the divorce. The long-term effect on self-esteem can be harmful, which parents attempt to mitigate by offering them age-appropriate context for the separation. Sharing appropriate context without blaming either parent and focusing on the love for each other and the children offers clarity. It can transition into a plan for a predictable routine for all involved.
A few variables to consider before this conversation will be time and place. Create a safe, calm, and private setting to share this news with enough time to address questions and support emotional processing. Make sure YOU are emotionally stable enough to initiate this dialogue with your children. It would not be productive to have this conversation reactively if you still feel intense angry or sad emotions. Children are highly perceptive to their parent’s emotional state, and we want your child to be the focal point during difficult times. In the ideal situation, both parents would present as a united front for their child to reinforce feelings of safety and trust. Having both parents present is not always possible for reasons beyond one’s control, which could include emotional readiness, legal reasons, addiction, abandonment, physical distance, or even safety concerns for the parent and children. These nuances will create more responsibility on one parent to be the primary emotional support and could be noted by the child. Nonetheless, keep all negative thoughts about the other parent stored away, as it is never appropriate to degrade the other parent to your child, regardless of the reason. The other parent will always be biologically part of your child, and they may unconsciously absorb negativity as a personal failure of their own, later impacting self-worth and esteem. Have ways to cope through the conversation if you anticipate feeling strong emotions while supporting your child in any nuanced situation.
Common questions they may ask could be:
Does this mean you don’t love each other anymore? Will we spend the holidays together? Will you stop talking to each other? Why can’t we all stay together? These initial questions will be difficult to answer, so prioritize ongoing check-ins after the initial conversation to resolve them further. Normalized and scheduled frequent discussions to keep the conversation going until it feels more neutral. Empathize with your child around heavy feelings while compartmentalizing your independent feelings to make more room for their emotional processing. Once the conversation has ended, emphasize self-soothing, self-care, or a repair method for the family. Run your child a bubble bath to have alone time and prompt relaxation, prepare a snack they enjoy, or encourage them to speak with a friend or counselor at school over the week to continue processing. Also, prioritize your self-care as a parent. You’re doing your best, so write down your thoughts post-convo with your kids, go to a workout class to release frustrations, or squeeze a pillow to engage in progressive muscle relaxation.
Co-parenting successfully will be a new goal as the family dynamics shift. A few tips to encourage ongoing unity include encouraging individual time between the other parent and your child. Be flexible!!! Ego may get the best of you at times, so catch it and put it aside in your child’s best interest. Maintain open communication and stay organized, whether a shared calendar or a co-parenting app; systems are already created to alleviate stress for parents. Communicate with the other directly to minimize your child becoming the messenger. Your children are already going through a transition; we don’t want to triangulate them into parental conversations. Create new boundaries that encourage respect for parents’ privacy and the adjustment period. It takes time to work out the kinks of co-parenting, give it time, and maintain a positive outlook. Assuming positive intent will save you time and energy while shifting the focus to your kids and their well-being. Gradually, the transition away from the original nuclear family unit will stabilize, and children will come to understand that the decision was made with much thought and their wellness in mind. If you’re considering having this conversation with your children, please extend grace to yourself and them as you welcome refreshing change into your life.
