Apologizing for wrongdoing does not come naturally to all; forgiveness can seem even more unnatural. We have all faced forgiveness, whether we seek it or forgive someone. Forgiveness can mean many different things to different people; ultimately, it is letting go of resentment, anger, and spite, creating peace. It does not always imply necessarily making up with someone, but rather moving forward and letting go of the negative feelings surrounding the action or situation.
Forgiveness can be difficult if your significant other was unfaithful, your boss was unfair, or your friend broke your trust. If you have been wronged consistently and have already been in the place to forgive someone else, repeating it all can feel overwhelming, cyclical, and never-ending. Forgiveness can also be heavy on you if you are awaiting or hoping for forgiveness; maybe you were at fault for breaking a promise, reacting without thinking or hurting someone.
It is hard to ask and wait for forgiveness, but ultimately, it is hard to forgive truly. It is in our nature to look out for ourselves and to protect our best interests, and sometimes forgiving someone can come uneasily when they have not had our best interest in mind, have made a mistake that impacted us, or have intentionally done something to hurt us. We often have instincts to guard off those who have wronged us, whether deliberately or unintentionally. Other times, we forgive frequently; we say we forgive, but still, the feelings of resentment and distrust lie within us. Forgiveness can look many different ways; ultimately, it means moving forward from what has happened, acknowledging the circumstance, leaning into our empathy, and choosing forgiveness.
Forgiveness is good for us, mentally, emotionally and physically. When we hold resentment, it can increase our stress, increase our blood pressure, cause depressive symptoms, and increase the possibility of worsening our mental and physical well-being. When we forgive, our physical and mental health benefits include improved self-esteem, a stronger immune system, less stress, healthier relationships, improved heart health, less anxiety, and overall improved mental health.
There are two kinds of forgiveness: decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness. When deciding to forgive someone and, emotional forgiveness, it is moving away from the negative and no longer dwelling or holding resentment. When the initial process of forgiveness begins, you must acknowledge what has happened and process your feelings. In other words, it is important to take steps toward decisional forgiveness, to decide if you would like to forgive someone. Emotional forgiveness is more difficult; it takes longer, and feelings can reoccur when remembering the situation, making the same emotions reoccur. Acknowledging and understanding what these emotions are and what they are connected to and processing them can help you emotionally forgive someone.
How to start the process
Sometimes, forgiveness takes time. Recognizing the value of forgiveness, the possibility of releasing anger, tension, sadness, and hurt feelings can feel freeing and comforting. When you hold onto these feelings for too long, they can become overwhelming and cause anxiety, stress, and depression. Recognizing the value of forgiveness can give us the strength to start the process, leading to a sense of relief and comfort.
Look internally and discover how or what needs to heal before forgiveness happens. Healing can look different for different people. In order to heal, you may use various coping strategies such as practicing self-love as taking care of yourself, and self-care through challenging, disrupting, recognizing, and confronting unhealthy thoughts and releasing emotions; exercising can be a helpful way to do this; this can help clear our heads even just going for a walk; grounding, meditation, yoga, deep breathing, staying in the present moment.
For some, seeking external support such as talk therapy or a support group that can help you process may be helpful. A supportive setting like this can help you reach your goal of forgiveness and uncover why this has hurt you so deeply. It is helpful to talk it through with a neutral party, someone who does not have a stake in the situation or can be objective. You do not want someone to guide you in your choice of whether to forgive or not; that is your choice, and the emotional process cannot be done by anyone else. When conflict arises in a family setting, it may be helpful to communicate about it through family therapy to work together on forgiveness and moving forward.
It is necessary to acknowledge how you have been hurt and how you feel and move forward, choosing to release these feelings. Note how these emotions have manifested into your actions, behaviors, thoughts, and reactions. Has holding the anger, hurt, and sadness done anything good for you? Can you acknowledge how the situation hurt you? If you can acknowledge it, can you recognize how these feelings you hold are not serving you? This acknowledgment is crucial and can make you feel validated and understood.
Now, you can choose to forgive. Practice empathy. Looking at the situation from the other person’s perspective can help us heal. It can help us forgive, remembering that they are also people, imperfect, and have their own flaws. When you are at the point of choosing to forgive, you remove the power that action, situation, or wrongdoing has on you. You strip away what has been holding you in a place of contempt and move forward, feeling empowered and in control of your emotions.
Challenges
It can be challenging for us to get forgiveness based on arising emotions. It can be confusing, infuriating, sad, bringing out feelings of hurt, shame, even guilt. Forgiveness is a choice; it may never feel right, but we should continue to reflect on the situation. Reflecting can happen through therapy, journaling, and coping mechanisms. We can process this in many ways, and sometimes it takes time. The challenge of time, of feeling ready, can also be daunting; you may think that you will never be ready to forgive or that so much time has already passed, and you still are not ready to forgive. When this happens, when you feel discouraged, continue to reflect, remind yourself of the benefits of forgiveness, practice empathy, maybe put yourself in the other person’s shoes, or even continue to acknowledge how this makes you feel.
Reconciliation is not guaranteed even after forgiveness if someone has wronged you. Forgiveness can occur without reconciliation; that is also a choice. Sometimes, we can forgive, but we do not want things to go back to how they were or even to see the other person again. Reconciliation can be helpful for some, but it can also be harmful if it is not what the person who was wronged needs to heal. If someone has passed away before reconciliation, that process of forgiveness can add additional elements, making you feel unresolved or even guilty.
If you seek forgiveness, provide space and time, practice empathy, and try to understand that it may not be easy. Also, be kind to yourself. We all fall short; we are all imperfect. Sometimes, it takes time to resolve our mistakes or shortcomings when we falter. It is a part of the human experience. If you are struggling with forgiving yourself, work through the above steps and seek talk therapy and counseling to help you manage these unresolved feelings.
