While the holidays can be exciting for many people, many others find them quite difficult. It can be especially true if you have recently experienced the loss of a parent.
Grieving a Parent
Grieving a parent can bring up many different complex emotions. Grief is a nonlinear process that often comes in waves. There will be times when the grief feels more manageable and other times when the grief feels a lot heavier. It is common for the holiday season to be one of the more difficult times in the grieving process. Before losing your parent, the holidays may have been associated with happiness, excitement, and togetherness. However, after losing someone so important, the holidays can be a reminder of what is now missing. If you are currently navigating this, it is important to acknowledge that the holidays will feel different without your parent, which is okay. It would help if you allowed yourself to feel all the emotions during this time and realize that some moments in this holiday season will be easier for you than others.
You may be experiencing one or all of the stages of grief during this time. The stages of grief include anger, denial, depression, bargaining, and acceptance (Kubler-Ross, 1969). These stages of grief do not always occur in order; not everyone will experience all of the stages, and they may happen at different times. Denial over the loss during the holiday season may look like continuing through the holiday season without acknowledging the pain you are feeling or ignoring the fact that your parent will not be there this year. You may be angry during this time because your parent won’t be here with you, or you may even be angry because the holiday season does not feel as enjoyable this year as it once did. You may be using bargaining by ruminating over what could have been if your loved one was still here. You may feel depressed and sad during this time. You also may be in a place of acceptance about the loss and able to acknowledge that while your parent is not here, you can still enjoy the holiday season while holding them in your memory. It is also expected to think that you have moved through these stages of grief but then find yourself back in one or all of these stages during the holiday season. Please recognize that if you find yourself experiencing any of these stages, it does not mean you have regressed in your healing, but rather, it is a continuation of a normal grief response.
Managing Expectations and Obligations This Holiday Season:
It can be even more challenging to manage these feelings if you have a lot of holiday responsibilities or obligations. Our parents are often at the center of holiday memories and traditions, and trying to continue on with the holidays after losing a parent can be very painful. Your parents may have been the ones to start the traditions you have carried on in your own family, which can be a difficult reminder. It is even common for some to want to cancel their holiday plans altogether, as the little details of the holiday season might feel purposeless after losing someone so important. Holiday obligations can include gift buying and wrapping, attendance at holiday parties and events, decorating, traveling, and seeing family and friends. These are all tasks that can feel very overwhelming while in the midst of grief. Having children of your own can be even more challenging, as there is pressure to operate at your best as a parent during the holiday season.
The holidays are a very busy time, and you may have high hopes of being able to participate in all of the typical holiday festivities you usually partake in. However, the difficult emotions may hit you harder as the holidays get closer. It is best to manage your expectations of yourself during this time. You may be unable to or feel up to doing all the tasks you usually do during past holiday seasons, which is okay. Set reasonable expectations for yourself and ask for help from others. Remember to practice self-compassion surrounding your abilities during this time and try not to be hard on yourself if you cannot do what you usually do.
Tips for Coping:
Identify Your Support: Consider who you can turn to for love and support. It may include people within your family who are going through the loss with you and understand how you feel, as well as people outside of your family who can provide you with support or distraction from an outside perspective. It is okay to distance yourself from people who bring you more stress during this time.
Name and Effectively Manage Your Emotions: Instead of pushing your difficult emotions away during the holiday season, practice simply noticing and identifying your feelings. It may change from day to day or even from moment to moment. Remember that emotions are not good or bad; they are messengers meant to move through us and be expressed. When you correctly identify your feelings, you can work on allowing yourself to feel and express them healthily. One skill that can help people learn to manage their difficult emotions is a DBT skill called Cope Ahead (Linehan, n.d.). Coping Ahead involves having a game plan for challenging situations where you anticipate difficult emotions. It involves describing the difficult situation and naming the complex emotions that are likely to occur, deciding on and specifically describing how you plan to cope with this situation healthily, clearly imagining the situation in your mind as if it were happening, and practicing in your mind how you will cope. Even though it can be painful to rehearse going through a sad or stressful scenario, it helps prepare you for the event.
Communicate with Others and Set Healthy Boundaries: People are not mind-readers, and others may not know how you feel during this time. It is important to communicate your feelings clearly and needs to the people in your life so that you can receive the necessary support. Pick a couple of key people who could be helpful to you during this time; express how you are feeling and how they could support you. You could brainstorm together to know how they can help you. It may simply sound something like the following: “Hey, it’s the first holiday season without my mom, and I’m feeling much more upset and stressed than I expected, I always used to go gift shopping with her and know that is going to be really tough for me this year, I think it would really help me out if you could come to the mall with me to keep me company while shopping.” It is also important to set clear boundaries and be honest with yourself and others regarding what you are able to manage during this time. If you usually host the holidays but do not feel up to it, have compassion for yourself and allow yourself to request that someone else host. If you cannot attend the holiday parties you usually attend, it is okay to decline politely.
Practice Self-Care: We often think more about others than ourselves during the holiday season. Neglecting our self-care can happen quickly and easily during this time. However, self-care should be a top priority during the holiday season while grieving. Remember the saying, “You cannot pour from an empty cup.” If you are not taking care of yourself during this time, you cannot show up for others how you want to. Nurturing your physical, emotional, and spiritual health, doing hobbies you enjoy, relaxing and recharging, and continuing any other self-care activities you participate in is very important. Since you know the holiday season will be challenging, it is a good idea to plan to add in extra daily or weekly self-care time in anticipation.
Identify New Traditions to Honor Your Parent: While it can feel nearly impossible to ease the pain of going through the holidays without your parent, many people find comfort in creating a new tradition that can honor their parent’s memory. Deciding on the best way to honor your parent is unique to each family. However, some examples could include lighting a candle in their memory, looking at photos or telling stories about your parent, making your parent’s favorite meal, continuing traditions that your parent started, and placing a bouquet of flowers over your parent’s spot at the dinner table.
Remember to have grace and patience with yourself during this time.
References
Kübler-Ross, E. (1970). On death and dying. Collier Books/Macmillan Publishing Co.
