One of the most challenging moments for a couple is the period after an exposed infidelity. It is often described as shattering and challenging what may have been previously considered a stable, safe, and trustworthy partnership. It’s important to identify that infidelity can mean different things to different people, which is why it’s important to be clear on what your boundaries are for infidelity within your own relationship. Infidelity will be defined as the act of engaging in intimate behavior with someone outside of the agreed-upon boundaries of your relationship. Infidelity can come in different forms, but for the purpose of this blog, it is discussed as sexual, emotional, online, and financial infidelity. Sexual infidelity is what may come to most people’s minds when they think of cheating and is described as physical or sexual acts with another party outside of your relationship. Emotional infidelity is receiving emotional and intimate support outside of the relationship, with a flirty or sexual undertone, while keeping it secret from the primary partner. Online infidelity is described as sexual or emotional affairs via an online forum; this may include chat rooms or text messages where photographs and sexual fantasies are exchanged. Financial infidelity refers to intentionally keeping amounts of debt, income, and financial status secret from your partner. The impact of all forms of infidelity challenges the foundation that the relationship was built on and is very often a cause of relationships ending. When making the conscious decision to rebuild in the aftermath of infidelity, it is important to have a high prioritization of reconnecting and highlighting an appreciation of friendship within the couplehood.
How to come back after infidelity:
In the aftermath of experiencing or committing infidelity, it is crucial to have open, transparent, and honest communication about what led to stepping outside of the relationship and sharing all of the information about the extent of the infidelity. There will be no opportunity to heal unless the full extent of the situation is expressed upfront. The next step is an agreement that both parties are recommitting to the couplehood and want to prioritize the relationship’s success moving forward. It does not mean full-on forgiveness at this point, but an acceptance that the infidelity happened and acknowledgment that there is room to move forward. You will see the term couplehood used a lot in this blog because it is important to frame the idea that during this healing moment, it is not solely about what is best for each partner, but the couplehood as a whole. It’s important to normalize the impact of infidelity and not be too eager to return to the status quo, honoring accountability while still relearning to become safe companions and redefine the needs and boundaries of the couplehood moving forward.
John Gottman, a leading researcher and practitioner of couples therapy, highlights the importance of friendship as a predictor of long-term satisfaction in romantic partnerships. Although physical intimacy and romance are very important, a healthy foundation of deep care, nurturing, and enjoyment of one another will take the couplehood further. John Gottman states that a healthy couple must have:
“a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. They must know each other intimately – they will be well versed in each other likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways, but in little ways day in and day out.”
It is often a desire to focus on romance and physical intimacy as a litmus test for the health of a relationship. However, they are often the first to go and the first to come back, not necessarily representative of the overall deep roots of a relationship. A healthy foundation of appreciation and respect, spontaneity, and fun will provide more stability for the long term and allow a couple to weather more challenging moments.
How to rebuild the friendship foundation:
Many folks may ask how to rebuild the friendship foundation in their relationship after infidelity, especially if that was not the default structure the first time around. The good news is that it can be learned and prioritized at any time in a relationship. Try the five practical ways below to prioritize rebuilding a friendship with your romantic partner.
Make small moments pivotal experiences.
Like in so many parts of life, it’s important to be present and express gratitude for even the smallest moments that bring you joy—the same goes for your partner. I’ve often heard from clients that they are so busy with the day-to-day that they can’t remember the last time they were present in the seemingly mundane aspects of the partnership. This can lead to an overall feeling of disrespect and a lack of appreciation between partners.
For example:
One partner is running out the door and asks their partner, who is on the phone if they are out of toilet paper. The partner can respond in two types of ways. One where they prioritize their task at hand and brush off the request with a shrug or an “I don’t know.” The second option to build respect and appreciation is to put down the phone, provide attention to the partner inquiring, and say, ” I’m not actually sure, but I will check on my way out and pick some more up from the store if we are running low.”
In this example, a mundane task can be celebrated as an opportunity to show attentiveness and love to your partner, and these moments of positive expression can be collected along the way. Remember that you are choosing to partner in life together, and the mundane tasks of creating a life and keeping up a house are part of that process to celebrate.
Express genuine interest in your partner
Both members of a couple don’t need to share every interest as the other, but a genuine respect for the other person’s hobbies, activities, and interests is beneficial. It can be easily shown by actively listening and participating in conversations when your partner expresses excitement in their interest. You may also be interested in taking it further and figuring out how to participate in your partner’s favorite activity. It may be in organizing supplies for that favorite craft hobby or accompanying your partner to the store to try new baseball shoes before their next game.
Make everything positive in your relationship foreplay
There are many opportunities to connect emotionally that will enhance your physical bond later. Daily tasks like cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, or walking the dog can be an opportunity to connect on many levels. Showing up to all these opportunities by being present, attentive, and participating can rebuild safety and respect between one another. Practicing active listening and open communication to check in to share moments of your day, how you’re thinking about the task at hand, or even some desires or needs that you may be identifying with can create great chances to rebuild your bond. Try and identify four daily activities or rituals that you would like to explore with or include your partner.
Be on your partner’s team
The most significant way to rebuild respect and show support is to make it known to your partner that no matter what they may experience from outside forces or challenges to the relationship, you are on their team and can handle it together. If they are fielding challenges from outside the relationship, and you reinforce criticism or judgment within the relationship, you will not promote a safe space to rebuild trust. Instead, try to validate and empathize with what they are going through and ask how you can make their situation better.
Build love maps
A love map identifies the journey and workings of your partner’s inner world. One’s inner world is complex and layered, including past experiences, attachments, relationships, and major life milestones. All this context and direction must be understood and acknowledged when rebuilding trust to create a new love map. The love map needs onramps and exits to roads, a compass, and a legend. All this must be understood through curiosity and asking intimate questions, leading to a deeper, more sustainable, authentic connection with your partner. Try to think of one question a day that you don’t already know about your partner and see how this information can begin to fill in each other’s love maps.
Moments of reflection:
Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is a profoundly challenging process, but prioritizing friendship creates the emotional foundation necessary for meaningful repair. By focusing on everyday moments of connection, genuine interest, and mutual support, couples can restore trust and nurture a renewed sense of companionship. With patience, openness, and shared commitment to the couplehood, friendship can become the bridge between rupture and reconnection. To facilitate this process, seek professional support to see if you and your partner can benefit from couples therapy and have a safe space to process this repair.
