As the time nears for family gatherings over the holiday season, have you anxiously awaited conversations with your siblings about unresolved conflicts? Offhand comments about life choices from grandparents? Uncomfortable comments from “that uncle”? While the holidays often represent a season of love, joy, hope, and cheer, they can also be anxiety-inducing for many who anticipate tension at the holiday dinner table.
The holidays mark a time when extended family members & loved ones come together in masses, which can create less-than-favorable conditions for certain conflict-avoidant individuals. Whether your trigger is the topic of politics, life updates, family gossip, longstanding disagreements, or another sensitive subject for the dinner table, you are likely already plotting your exit strategy or planning ways to avoid conversations. However, there are more effective ways to navigate tension over the holidays and overcome conflict avoidance healthily.
What is Conflict Avoidance?
Conflict avoidance is a behavior pattern for many people who prefer to avoid difficult conversations and the related discomfort of “confrontation.” However, not all confrontations have to be negative, and often, addressing tension is necessary to overcome interpersonal troubles. For many people, conflict avoidance may look like:
- Pretending there is not a problem
- Ignoring or dismissing your feelings
- Being more passive or passive-aggressive in your communication style
- Failing to set boundaries with others
- Changing the subject
- Failure to broach difficult conversations
- Believing you are not “allowed” to communicate your emotions
- Entirely avoiding the other person
Conflict avoidance is often a byproduct of people-pleasing or even personal discomfort with one’s own emotions. For many, the high-pressure role of “keeping the peace” is more comfortable than making others uncomfortable, but it often takes a toll on one’s personal mental health and the health of one’s relationships as well.
The good news is that conflict avoidance and people-pleasing patterns can be overcome. With plenty of self-assessment, practice, self-care, and support from others, you can even begin to challenge your behaviors now to feel even more equipped for the approaching holidays. Some helpful ways to increase your self-worth and jumpstart your assertive communication journey include:
- Assessing any unhelpful beliefs you may have about yourself and/or your emotions
- Becoming more comfortable with boundary-setting and self-advocacy
- Going easier on yourself and practicing self-care when tensions are high
- Developing confidence in assertive communication skills
- Recognizing the value of conflict by reframing your thoughts about interpersonal challenges
- Practicing emotion regulation and self-soothing skills if you get easily overwhelmed during conflict
- Working with an individual therapist or family therapist to offer support in navigating conflict
Top 10 Tips for Conflict Resolution
Expressing them productively and assertively can be challenging when we have strong emotions. Especially when we feel that family members’ actions have contributed to our hurt or tension somehow, it is important to assert our needs in a constructive, gentle manner rather than being accusatory or confrontational. Consider the following tips for resolving conflict with others during the holiday season and beyond:
- Address your concerns with your loved one privately. Be mindful of finding the appropriate time and place to address tensions and avoid making a spectacle if possible.
- Use “I” statements with gentle wording to express your emotions. “I” statements can help communicate your feelings about another person’s actions or words without making statements that can feel more “accusatory” or critical. Start with a statement like, “I’m feeling ___ about ___” or “I felt ___ when ___ ” to de-escalate the situation by focusing on your emotions before providing feedback.
- Be mindful of maintaining a respectful, calm tone as a rule of thumb; the less argumentative, aggressive, or accusatory, the better when resolving (and not escalating) conflict. Maintain some distance from your emotions to be more neutral, easygoing, and empathetic to help both parties feel calm & confident in moving forward productively. Assertive communication requires skillfulness in being specific, direct, and concise in your feedback while still being positive & respectful.
- Avoid speaking in extremes. Do not make any universal statements or judgments about the other person or their character. Be mindful of the detriments of “extreme” emotions during conflict as well.
- Show empathy and understanding for the other person. Ensure you demonstrate compassion and respect for the other person’s motivations or feelings. Allow them the space to express their own needs and perspectives as well. Remember to be curious, empathetic, and understanding across your relationships to maintain appreciation and confidence in one another.
- Offer a solution. Your “I” statement should still feel constructive and like you & the other person have a clear idea of what resolution looks like moving forward. Get specific about the other person’s exact words or behaviors that have hurt you and offer an equally specific suggestion for future behavior change. If more dialogue feels appropriate than less, you may also communicate why the other person’s actions can harm you or others to the extent that you are comfortable.
- Be open to compromise. Of course, keep your objective in mind during conflict resolution, but also be open to negotiating a compromise for both parties, depending on the circumstances.
- Practice emotion awareness and regulation at all points during conflict. Recognizing and naming your emotions before, during, and after addressing your concerns with another person is important. When we are not mindful of our specific emotions and their effects on us, we can regulate them less, which can also be detrimental to our well-being and relationships. First, focus on one concern at a time to avoid becoming overwhelmed or overly activated.
- Give yourself permission to take a time out if you need to. It is difficult to access our more regulated “Wise Mind” when the emotional part of our brain is becoming increasingly activated. If you notice that emotions are escalating and that effective communication is becoming more difficult, allow yourself to take a “time out” or remove yourself from the situation until you can address things more rationally.
- Practice self-care and self-soothing skills. Conflict resolution is hard! Most people feel uncomfortable during conflict, and the less practice you have, the more overwhelming it can be to communicate your concerns. Practice self-soothing through your preferred method of grounding—whether it is a mindfulness practice, pleasing your senses, or making meaning out of the current moment. The holidays are already stressful enough, so take extra care of yourself this season.
