Meet that person you swiped right on, sparks fly, fall in love, get married, buy the house, have kids, and live happily ever after … said no one ever! What if we shook up the playbook with traditional dating standards, and people were happier? For people in ethically non-monogamous relationships, research[1] shows higher levels of trust, intimacy, and friendship toward their partner than other relationship types. When we lead openly, we can see there’s more to life than how society tells us to live it. Let’s start with the basics:
Monogamy: a relationship type that includes sexual and emotional connections with one other person, whether in a relationship or married
Ethical Non-monogamy (ENM), also known as Consensual Non-monogamy (CNM):
A relationship type where people consent to having several sexual and romantic partners simultaneously
- Polyamory: a subcategory of ENM – when people consent to multiple sexual and emotional relations with all parties are aware. There may be a hierarchy in poly relations that defines the primary or secondary relationships between people or non-hierarchical, where everyone is treated equally as individuals with a fair say in all relations.
Open relationship: two individuals agreeing that either or both parties may engage in sexual relations with others outside of their primary romantic relationship; emotional connections may or may not be allowed
Polygamy: the practice of marrying multiple people, which is illegal and highly discouraged in many regions
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is a highly satisfying relationship structure that moves away from the idea that we must only commit to one person in our lifetimes. The most considerable emphasis is on having clear ethical guidelines and consent from all parties. ENM focuses on communication, honesty, regard, and boundaries. Some people begin their relationships as ENM, while others restructure their once monogamous relationship to become ENM. It’s important to note that ENM is not an excuse for cheating. Cheating is rooted in deception and mistrust, while ENM is based on informed consent and honest dialogue around exploring a different relationship type together. Informed consent and agreeing to ENM may take several conversations, which is appropriate as opposed to rushing this conversation, and one party is left feeling unresolved about the relationship.
People who agree to ENM will intentionally safeguard their relationship by exploring a variation of the following topics as “rules.” Sexual safety is a priority, which may include the discussion around intimacy with other parties; what does that look like? ENM relationships may consider regular testing for all partners or even discussing sexual fantasies/desires that may be shared with other partners. Are there specific people who are off-limits? What are the emotional boundaries if romantic feelings begin to develop for others? Do you choose to share your other sexual experiences with primary partners or not? Some may say there are environmental limitations, such as a special restaurant being off-limits for dates outside the primary couplehood. Each person is explicitly sharing their comfort levels and boundaries in the most honest way they know how. Parties may not initially agree, which is okay, though negotiation and compromise are relationship skills needed to ensure the ENM structure is maintained with honor. It will be respected if anyone says no for any reason, and it is a hard no. Consent and honesty are the values to lead with as you navigate an ENM relationship that feels authentic and specific to your needs.
One of the most significant hardships in ENM is when people try to avoid the negative feelings that could present within any relationship structure. Jealousy, fear, insecurity, and irritability are all unavoidable human emotions. However, in an ENM relationship, open communication can serve as a powerful tool to navigate these emotions. It may prompt a conversation around the foundation of your relationship, validating the stability of the partnership, re-discussing boundaries, contracting for emotional safety, ensuring enough quality time for the one expressing insecurity, etc. While sharing your feelings with your partner is important, reflecting on your triggers is equally important. What may be causing this reaction within you? Is it being expressed with a gentle start-up? Is it rooted in societal conditioning that only one person can meet our needs? Once you identify your trigger’s source, it may also be easier to self-soothe, regulate, and express it to your partner to work toward resolution. Attachment styles may also play a role as complex emotions arise. An individual who is more secure and engages in ENM often appreciates autonomy, values independence, communicates needs efficiently, and compromises as needed. Someone who demonstrates anxious-preoccupied attachment may become more fixated on feelings of abandonment or feel internally disrupted by a change in the relationship and have more challenges communicating their needs.
There’s no standard rule book for navigating an ENM relationship, nor should there be one. Everyone on this earth demonstrates different needs, values, beliefs, thresholds of tolerance, and levels of eroticism that an individual explores safely. If ENM does not resonate with you, that’s okay; it resonates with many others. Encouraging the conversation around ENM will remove stigma while challenging misconceptions that otherwise could prevent this relationship structure from being further explored. There are many self-directed books, podcasts, and support groups to explore that will help expand your knowledge of ENM. Community is huge for those exploring ENM, considering we’d like this relationship structure to be more normalized and accepted by all individuals. Increased relationship diversity is needed as we reveal nuanced circumstances and complexities of our internal psyches. Our sense of self is forever developing, which allows great capacity for future growth. Through this journey, we are redefining our ability to demonstrate and receive love and our methodology around commitment. Ethical non-monogamy will continue to evolve through the years, leading us to open our minds and welcome more love into our hearts.
[1] [1] Moors, A.C., Conley, T.D., Edelstein, R.S., Chopik, W.J. (2015). Attached to monogamy? Avoidance predicts willingness to engage (but not actual engagement) in consensual non-monogamy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(2), 222-240.
